Savior
by yra
Summary: Anthy wonders who will save her. Companion to "Bells for Anthy"


_Disclaimer: I do not own the mangas _The Adolescence of Utena,_ and_ Revolutionary Girl Utena._ I also do not own the song _Crucify_ by Tori Amos._

_A/N: This is more from the manga _The Adolescence of Utena,_ which is a far more mature and bizarre version of the original story. However, this fiction can apply to the original Utena, with a little creative license. This goes along with _Bells for Anthy,_ and is told from Anthy's point of view. The song is_ Crucify,_ by Tori Amos. The lyrics are denoted by ellipses and italics._

…_Every finger in the room…_

…_Is pointing at me…_

Juri is so smug. Miki is so innocent. Saionji is so arrogant. Touga is so contemptuous. Akio is so… Akio.

Every one of them wants me, lusts for me. Every one of them sees a doll, a tool, a princess, a whore. Every one of them is after what I hide beneath my breasts, and it is not my heart.

Power, and the pleasure the Rose Bride can bring with a touch. My body, my sword, my moans, they want it all. And I give it to them. One by one, each victor of the duel tastes the power and pleasure of the Rose Bride.

And I get nothing.

Juri mocks. Miki flusters. Saionji covets. Touga smirks. Akio steals.

No one but me loves.

_…I want to spit in their faces…_

_…Then I get afraid of what that could bring…_

Damn them to hell.

I need; they want. I love; they lust. I smile; they sneer, never guessing there is a mind behind these green eyes, a heart pounding beneath that silver blade.

But I play my part, and dance on their strings, and never let them guess.

_…I got a bowling ball in my stomach…_

_…I got a desert in my mouth…_

So many fingers running over my skin, so many lovers burying themselves inside me, digging as deep as they can for the Power of Dios. Lovers, masters, brothers, all taking everything they can. And I lie there, and lie to myself, swearing what they feel as they drive into me is love.

I would make any of them my prince, if only they would love me.

_…Figures that my courage would chose to sell out now…_

I gave him everything, my brother. I gave my body, my soul, all my love. What makes men so desperate to possess what they know they can't have?

**I was his sister!**

He took, and I gave, with a smile. He could have whatever he wanted, the world on a platter. But what did I get?

Shame, and scorn, and his disgust. My fault. Somehow it is always my fault. I held out my hands and begged for his love.

He left me there, a broken doll, a ravished princess, and I knew it was my fault.

_…I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets…_

_…Looking for a savior underneath these dirty sheets…_

I test them all. They all fail, in the end. Smug or innocent, arrogant or contemptuous or cruel, each falls to the wayside, and I remain alone. Filthy hands on my skin, the stink of their lust in every breath. I cannot push them away. I am looking for someone, looking for…you.

Save me.

_…I've been raising up my hands…_

_…Drive another nail in…_

_…Just what God needs…_

_…One more victim…_

Lacerate me, twist me and hurt me, I don't care what you do, just so you love me.

But your smile is gentle. Your blue eyes are kind. Your pink hair smells sweet. For the first time, _I_ am the one who wants to burrow my way into _you._

Will your warm blood cascade over me, your flesh surround me, your love hold me? Will you let me climb inside you, and rest where I am finally safe?

Don't worry. I can't hurt you.

But will you hurt me?

What if I say please?

_…Why do we…_

_…Crucify ourselves…_

Pain means you see me, you notice me, you feel me beside you. I don't care if you're a girl or a boy. Won't you save me, my prince?

_…Every day…_

_…I crucify myself…_

I'll be good. I'll give you the Power to Revolutionize the World. I'll take care of you, cook for you, clean for you, pleasure you every night, hold you under the stars, if you'll only punish me and make me pure again.

Crucify me, and make me your own.

_…Nothing I do is good enough for you…_

_…Crucify myself…_

Don't look at me like that.

Don't you see? I can be anything you want. I am _your_ Rose Bride. I will kneel at your feet, or if you're tired, you can sleep in my lap.

I just want to make you happy. This always made _them_ happy. Don't you want me?

Me and my power.

Me and my sword.

**What do you want from me?**

I'll be your bride.

I'll be your whore.

I'll be your slave.

Just hold me, and let me be free.

_…And my heart is sick of being in chains…_

Centuries, millennia, an eternal heartbeat of yearning. I've been waiting for you for so long. Something about you makes me so lonely. Break the chains and take me away from this sick illusion of my own heart. Wherever you go, I want to follow.

You're not afraid of me, are you?

_…Got a kick for a dog…_

_…Begging for love…_

You did not come here to find me, though. You came looking for him. Am I a step, a tool for you, just like for everyone else? What will you do with me when you reach your own prince?

Will you toss me aside when you have what you want, from me, from him?

Don't leave me here.

_…I gotta have my suffering…_

_…So I can have my cross…_

I don't mind if you kick me in the face as you step on me. Just remember that I'm here, helping you get to that castle in the sky. I'll bleed for you if you want to see something red and pretty. Ground your heel into my shoulder as I strain to get you where you want to be, and I'll know you know I'm here.

_…I know a cat named Easter…_

_…He says will you ever learn…_

_…You're just an empty cage girl…_

_…If you kill the bird…_

What are you doing?

Why are you holding my hand?

Do you want me to make love to you? I am very good at that. Ask Saionji. Ask Touga. Ask Akio.

Why are you holding me? What do you want me to do?

Why am I shaking so hard?

When you breathe against my ear, I feel dizzy. You are calling, silently calling, over and over, directly into my brain.

"Anthy."

Your lips don't even move, but you are calling.

"Wake up, Anthy."

_…I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets…_

_…Looking for a savior underneath these dirty sheets…_

"I'm here now, Anthy."

_…I've been raising up my hands…_

_…Drive another nail in…_

Don't be kind. It frightens me. What should I do if you won't hit me? What will I do if you don't curse me? This isn't what I want.

_…Got enough guilt to start…_

_…My own religion…_

Is it?

What have I been looking for?

Who have I been waiting for?

Another to use me?

A prince to save me?

Or just a human to love me?

_…Why do we…_

_…Crucify ourselves…_

I need to hurt. I've done so many things wrong. _They_ tell me every time they can, lecture me and list off my sins.

I am bad.

You are good.

You shouldn't have to worry about me.

Won't you, anyway?

_…Every day…_

_…I crucify myself…_

If you won't hurt me, will you hold me? Let me hide inside you, violet and rose hair twisting together in the wind, on the sheets. Pale skin, dark skin, red lips on pink, my face against your neck, your hand on my breast, not digging for power over me but feeling for the heart that beats beneath the blade.

_…Nothing I do is good enough for you…_

_…I crucify myself…_

I don't deserve you. Keep me anyway. I'll be your princess, you can be my prince, we can be beautiful. I'll break the illusion, shred the spell, and run away with you into the starry night.

You go. Hold my hand. I'll follow.

Is this what love is?

Utena?

_…And my heart is sick of being in chains…_


End file.
